On April 24, 2010, Wang Yifan died.
He was hospitalized for two months, any treatment was ineffective.
His body was shocking to the eyes. He was a guy who was one hundred and seventy six meters tall, but his corpse was so thin, less than forty kilograms. All his hair and teeth were falling out, his belly button deeply rotten. His skin became so transparent that if people looked closely, they could see his internal organs.
The hospital and police were unable to find out the cause of death.
Xiao Xi attended his funeral. I was standing in the corner and saw her biting her lip but did not say a word. Tears were covering her face. Her eyes were full of despair and pain.
December 24, 2001.
It was a sunny day.
I went to give the ring I bought to Xiao Xi.
She was going to abroad for study and I knew it. Although, I couldn’t be with her, I couldn’t help but think: if there is one thing that was given to her by me, then even if we wouldn’t see each other, she will always remember me. Then maybe, she would be happier.
In fact, I once asked myself, if she completely forgot about me, will she not be more happier?
I knew, I knew she never loved me. Maybe, she did but I didn’t know. I shouldn’t left any shadow of mine in her life. But I couldn’t help it.
Would she remember me, or forget about me? I was alone thinking this. Tears were pouring down my face.
Xiao Xi said that day, Wang Yifen, I can’t accept such expensive gift.
At that time I said, Someone would treat you better in the future. This gift of mine would be nothing but ordinary then. At least, now, I want you to think that you have received the best gift. If I can’t be with you, let my memory be with you. Just thinking that makes my reason of living.
I was in tears.
Xiao Xi cried and said, Wang Yifen, I will never forget you. Even if I don’t love you, I will always remember you.
July 8, 2003.
It was raining heavily.
Zhang Jiajia and I were drinking in a bar.
I told him, I can’t forget Xiao Xi.
Zhang Jiajia said, why am I wasting my life over a single girl? There are so many women in the world. I can find love again. Everything will be fine.
After that, he dragged me to an alley in the city and invited me to a flowerhouse*.
I looked at the women in short dresses. I knew why he brought me there. But seeing those girls, my stomach couldn’t help but churned and I vomited on the spot.
However, I suddenly found a way of pleasure. And my fall wasn’t redemptive.
December, 24, 2004.December 24, 2004.
It snowed heavily.
I have made up more than ten stories about my imaginary girlfriends in a year.
Each story had a woman. A woman I had played with. Everytime I would talk about these girls to my friends and pretend to be cold and dismissive, my heart would feel very satisfied.
I was satisfied but panicked.
I could feel that I didn’t need to think about those stories. My mind began to automatically present various scenarios in front of my eyes. All kinds of scenarios of playing with women and cheating with them.
My job was to merely retell it to others all over again.
December, 25, 2004.
It snowed again.
I flipped through Xiao Xi’s blog. I used to do it when I had nothing to do or when I missed her terribly.
She used to post blog every so often and it was also about various things. But I was surprised to find that yesterday’s blog had only one sentence: if there is a good person in the world who had become bad for me, what should I do?
I think she must have found out about my situation through a classmate or a friend.
It turned out the easy way to make her care for me was to let her know that I’m falling.
January 8, 2009.
I made up stories about 189 women.
Eleven blogs that Xiao Xi had written were about me or something to do with me. She never mentioned my name though. Always mentioning as ‘A person’.
Although she was married and had children, I could feel deep pain buried inside her. And I was the cause of her pain.
I knew I was destroying myself.
I went to the hospital several times. But the doctors could find anything unusual in me.
November 1, 2009.
It was a sunny day.
Xiao Xi got divorced but she didn’t get the custody of her children. This made her very sad.
I gathered enough courage to leave a message on her blog under my screen name. She started relying on me.
February 5, 2010.
It was raining.
I wanted to see Xiao Xi but was restraining myself from seeing her I even wanted to tell my friend about it. But I swallowed the desire and told him the story of the female Air Force Officer in my dream.
February 7, 2010.
I decided to finally meet Xiao Xi but it was hard to get up Even writing was hard for me.
Am I finally going to die? Will I not be able to send one last gift to her?
As I closed Wang Yifan’s diary, panic filled my heart.
When the addiction reaches a corrosive stage, the desire that presents itself is like the flames of hell, consuming people’s body and soul.
What about you?
What addiction do you have that has reached the stage of filling, staining or corroding?
Are you gaining weight? Are you shopping onTaobao*? Are you fuming in anger? Are you cursing? Do you take your current life style for granted? Will you see in your dreams that you have moved far away from your original self?
[T/N: An online shopping platform in China.]
Everything is like a tiny seedling, planted in your heart, you fertilize it, you water it, you protect it subconsciously. As soon as it is released from its cocoon, a gigantic tree borns from it and wraps its branches and roots around your brain.
To what extent are you willing to go for your desire? Are your desire controlled by you?
I don’t know you, but I know myself.
Every year, when I went to drink with Wang Yifen and handed the glass to him, I could clearly see the real him. And looking at his fluttering eyes and the uncharacteristic drunk face, a voice rang in my heart.
All the women I couldn’t get wouldn’t suffer for the rest of their lives.
The men who grabbed any women, me or you, all and everyone, have to die.